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Keep it
simple.
I’ve never really liked
birthdays. They’ve always seemed to be milestones of misery to see
that you’ve actually done another year, that another year has been
spent being depressed, that time has passed and nothing has altered, the
tablets haven’t made you well. This year I’ve decided to acknowledge
that I’ve had a birthday so people were told that it was my birthday.
I actually made a cake for the group. This made me think of the one
birthday party that I had as an adult, which was another spectacular
disaster. I ended up sitting in the kitchen, or standing in the kitchen
as usual . With everything going on around me, I spoke to a few people.
Then last Friday I went to a singles evening at the museum and found
that nothing had really changed. I was uneasy. There were a lot of
people, but then things happened, that made me realize that I’m old
and that being alone wasn’t a choice anymore. That it was the pattern
of the future. I’ve been told I’m better off alone. I don’t know
whether it’s true or it isn’t true but the way things are perhaps
that is the way the future will be.
After I had my last breakdown, I told my counsellor of my intention
to become a recluse. She said that wasn’t a healthy way to look at
life and over this time I’ve tried to not be a recluse. I see people
and go places. I try to combat the fears I have and deal with people. I
don’t always do it well. I don’t always manage to stop myself from
feeling the anxiety that I have when I am around people. Sometimes I do
well and have an enjoyable time, and other times things are fraught. I
thought of another way of describing it the other day - imagine people
as something you don’t like such as spiders or snakes - that’s how I
feel about people. They make me anxious sometimes to the point of
wanting to run screaming from the room. Even with people I am
comfortable with, whose presence doesn’t raise terrors in me,
sometimes it all gets too much. Each day is dealt with as a new day.
Each contact is met with as a new contact. I never use the same approach
each time. If people offer me things - trips, days out, ideas - I accept
them. Don’t use the old patterns.
One of the things this has given me is a terrible memory, because I
don’t think of the past. The past goes, it’s gone, I live now. For
too long I’ve used the past to punish myself for the way I feel.
It’s a bad thing and the future has always been a source of worry. So
now I live in the day that exists. If someone asks me something I say
the answer that occurs then. I don’t use the old patterns. I don’t
see the old worries to work out whether the answer I am trying to give
is the right answer or the answer they want or anything else other than
the answer that occurs to me then. So if I am asked do I want a cup of
tea I will answer yes or no. Not try to work out whether the person’s
got to make more teas than coffees, or whether they are going to be put
out if I say no I’d like a cup of coffee. You are entitled to have
needs, to have wants that are to do with your comfort, rather than
inconvenience to other people or whether or not they want to hear these
things.
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You have rights. Because you’re depressed doesn’t mean that you
have to be subservient to others, to their needs. Your needs are as
strong and as valuable as anybody else’s. And things that aren’t
part of the solution are part of the problem. You must deal with these
things as they occur. Don’t put things off. If somebody says something
that you don’t agree with - say so. Don’t be badgered, don’t be
bullied. Don’t think of another person's needs as greater than your
own. If you are in a doctor’s waiting room the receptionist isn’t
god. She can be told that things are unacceptable, that she doesn’t
have the right to snap at you, or that she doesn’t have the right to
ask you questions about your illness. And a double-glazing salesman
doesn’t have to be listened to for a quarter of an hour while he tries
to talk you into something. You can say "NO" or "Excuse
me, that isn’t acceptable, no I won’t answer that question".
But being depressed you think, no perhaps I should, or ought to. And you
become unsure, and you lack the confidence because depression makes you
feel less confident, and less able to cope. But you can cope a bit at a
time, and try more things. Try to make things more the way you want them
to be.
An aside: did you realise that doctors' waiting rooms are god's way
of teaching you patience?
Back to living in the now. In depression it is easy to sit and to
ponder and to look at all the things you’ve done in the past and all
the things that are likely to happen in the future, and to look at the
patterns and think OH NO it's going to be like that again. The way to
try and deal with this is to not allow yourself to sit and fall into
those patterns. So mentally, or actually, make a list and try to fill
the day. If you can’t think well in advance then do something that
will give you an immediate lift. Try to fill the next ten minutes. The
object is to give yourself a sense of achievement. So choose things that
are an obvious achievement. If you look at a garden, the whole garden is
a daunting task. Break it down. Mentally or physically measure it off
into metre squares and do each metre square so you will always have that
sense of achievement that that section of it is better. You don’t
leave yourself with the overwhelming thought that you’ve achieved
nothing. I’ve suggested this to people and they’ve said 'isn’t it
boring?' But isn’t it better to achieve something visible that is
boring rather than just sit and think "Look at the garden and look
how terrible it is, I’ll never be able to do that"? By breaking
things down into smaller and smaller pieces you can achieve more and
more. Painting a room is a big job. Painting a wall is simpler. Then you
can look at the wall and think 'the wall looks better now that it is
painted.' Then you can move on to it piece by piece. There’s an adage
that I use - KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid. And this is how to do lots of
jobs. It is always better to do a job in the simplest possible way. Why
make things more complicated than they need to be? I try to apply this
now to my life. Because simplicity I find is easiest to cope with. The
more complex I make a thing the less likely I am to do it or do it well.
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The
Colours of Depression
When it was confirmed that I
was suffering from depression it was a blow of major proportions to me.
I was offered time off work by the doctor but refused it because I have
always needed an aim, a task to keep myself and my mind occupied. I had
no doubt work would be a struggle but I needed it as my daily focus.
After a very short while
thoughts became clearer and I was soon able to think rationally again,
not totally but more than I had for a few months.
It was in these thought periods that I was able to reflect on some of
the passages I had taken from the depths of uncertainty to where I was
on my path to recovery, I nearly said normality but I am unsure what is
normal anymore.
When I attended my first meeting at Depression Alliance I quickly
learned that I was not alone and my story, boringly told, I am afraid
was recognised by all present. It was the start for me of my self-help
programme because until then I could talk only to my doctor or my wife,
now I could talk with no embarrassment to like sufferers. Each one of
the group deal with their situation as they see best but reliance on
others is a common thread.
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I am not able to allow myself to
go back to the grey days and black moods of just a few months ago, but
do not kid myself that all is again rosy it is very hard work being
positive all the time, and every support is welcome, but I have, and
hopefully will continue to be able to use my colours to set the positive
scene in all forums of day to day life.When I thought back all I could
remember were the dark days, the blue moods, the black thoughts and the
grey confirmation from the doctor.
The above description are colour coded and many years ago I read a
book on positive thinking that echoed colour-coding as a method of self-
help to reverse negative thinking and quickly decided on a path of
forward thinking to help me brighten and move forward.
Brighter colours make for brighter thinking makes for brighter days.
I now always look for bright things every day as a way for bright
thoughts to put a smile on my face. Bright blue skies, brilliant yellow
sunshine, reds, oranges, vivid green, sparkling whites, the very thought
of these colours transfers their brightness into me and immediately give
me a smile and surge of happy contentment, something that was not
possible just a few months ago.
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